the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

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Guestroom Ceiling Fan Levels:
1) barely moving
2) maybe faster
3) God spake unto Job from the whirlwind


Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.


I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!


[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church


Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them


I’m going to Costco later if anyone wants to share a 24-pack of mini fridges


You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.


* draws blood

Blood: No, no, no. That doesn’t look like me at all.


Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.


Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline? And when did my wife start smoking?