the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

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FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok


WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?


My ex got run down by a bus today.

I thought “Wow, that could have been me!”

But I can’t drive a bus.


Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”


Me- “who’s the expert now?”


Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism.


Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.


I want to be the guy in a rap song that justs says YEA


It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.


(Sigh) I must be getting older. I just read a whole book about a giant sperm whale called Moby Dick and I didn’t giggle once…


Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.