The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

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People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet


“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.


*gives up horoscopes for Lent

*caves and reads horoscope

“You are weak willed and lack conviction”


When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!


Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.


Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.


[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”


[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!


My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.


Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.