The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

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I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation


How to get laid:

HAHAHA you guys thought I get laid for a second there.


I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.


[mom sneaks up & scares son; ruins coloring]
Narrator: Does this happen to u? Then u need…
[cut to mom jumping on 1 foot & yelling]


Um, guys, whaddya do with a 5 y.o. at an aquarium who’s hysterical because she sees Dory in a tank and I kind of need to know right now.


THE CHIEF: It was a mission, you weren’t supposed to let it get personal.

ME: [kissing a missile] We’re getting married.


A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.


Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other