@AlexvanBeek

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

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@3sunzzz

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

@Fred_Delicious

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

@JasonLastname

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

@markydoodoo

[God creating wombats]

Just roll that balloon in fur and let’s call it a day.

@jwoodham

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

@flashember

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

@yoiain

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

@novicefather

“I don’t believe in hyperbole,” she said while consuming an entire horse.