The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
You Might Also Like
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.