@AlexvanBeek

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

- @AlexvanBeek

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@seancehat

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

@kevinrowe1

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

@Flykins

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

@JimmerThatisAll

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

@AnnietheNanny1

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

@better_off_dad

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

@angibangie

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

@MegsHAUSTED

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

@Bob_Heller

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”