The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
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Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.