@WilliamAder

The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.

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@MelKassel

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

@TheAlexNevil

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf

@iwearaonesie

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

@trojansauce

FRIEND:i suffer badly with insomnia
ME:what’s that
FRIEND:it’s where you can’t sleep
ME:you just*lays down*just like this *falls asleep*see?

@PaperWash

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

@PleaseBeGneiss

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

@callmeEvian

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

@UnFitz

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

@superdadatron

I’m gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family.

Bacon Bad

@CauseWereGuys

My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying “when i was your age..” and then describing what i did 3 days ago