The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
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GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.