The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
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Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
The three genders.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.