The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

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i feel disrespected by the shift in candy size naming from “king size” to “sharing size”. i don’t share candy. im the king


Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”


me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty


Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.


[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy


This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.


i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”


Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too


Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.