@ilovepie84

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

You Might Also Like

@lil_mermaid

i feel disrespected by the shift in candy size naming from “king size” to “sharing size”. i don’t share candy. im the king

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

@PhilJamesson

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

@Tobi_Is_Fab

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

@ElliotHetherton

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

@TheAlexNevil

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

@electrolemon

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

@jewfacekilla

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

@aissalanis

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.