The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
You Might Also Like
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.