the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
You Might Also Like
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
haha same
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves