@ObscureGent: The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
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@NewDadNotes: Wife: I’m leaving you. Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much? Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry. Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
@joeldanger: Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there's no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
@cbdoubleu: [Going through rubble after a house fire] Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined. Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.