The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
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Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away