The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
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If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!