“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

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I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.


Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.


You like me?

*has a conversation with you where I’m completely me.

*never hears from you again.

Right then. That’s sorted.


INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.


ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.


CDC: clean commonly touched surfaces
Moms everywhere: we don’t have to worry about wiping down the dishwasher


ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking


[Marriage Counseling]

Her: he always mixes two common sayings together that aren’t relevant

Me: well, blood is thicker than the early bird