@david8hughes

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

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@sophie_mhj

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

@novicefather

[glances toward living room stenographer]

“Please read back what my wife said 45 seconds ago.”

stenographer: I promise not to get mad

@Book_Krazy

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

@GensPlace

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

@jus4golf

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

@senderblock23

John Lennon: Imagine all the people
Me: Ok but this is extremely boring

@3sunzzz

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

@TinaMav

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

@JJSummertime

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.