“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
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CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
you have three unread messages
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?