Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
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As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March