@david8hughes

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

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@JoParkerBear

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

@KalvinMacleod

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

@Gupton68

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

@runawaycupcake

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

@MarfSalvador

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

@TheAlexNevil

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

@girl_a_whirl

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

@YourMomsucksTho

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March