The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

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SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.


My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”



ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.


[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t


his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty


A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.


I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.


Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one




Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute


Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.