SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
You Might Also Like
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
She said no!
*sobs tears of joy*
-me after proposing
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me: Give me a minute
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.