The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
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Money is the root of all wealth
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.