“The top of my toliet seat is uncomfortable to sit on. I want it to feel like my living room floor” – inventor of carpet toliet seat covers

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How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit


I’m so tired of having to think, “What would a normal person do here?”


[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]


me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not


Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg


Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…


[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)


Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.