THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
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My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
security at the airport getting more straightforward
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.