I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
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Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I鈥檓 getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
it鈥檚 amazing when it鈥檚 ur birthday 馃檪 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I鈥檓 so glad I鈥檒l be dead by then.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It鈥檚 so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 馃幎
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 馃泚
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
DON鈥橳 TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE鈥橲
i鈥檓 left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I hope this email finds you in a well
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can鈥檛 say the same things about my boyfriend.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.