The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
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Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.