The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
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oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
White parent Vs Arab parents
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
we’re gonna need another temp
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is