The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
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Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.