The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
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ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Bread puns are on the rise!
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Hello Twits.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.