@FrakkingAwesome

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

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@notalogin

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

@SortaBad

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Guess what I did

Me: Captured Bigfoot?

Wife: I got a great deal on kid’s clothes

Me: Just so I’m clear, Bigfoot is still out there?

@_davidlucas_

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

@andlikelaura

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

@DaddyJew

Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.

@Mom_Overboard

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

@JoeMande

“Make it look like I live in a Cheesecake Factory.” – NBA players to their interior designers

@DadandBuried

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.