Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
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You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Wife: Guess what I did
Me: Captured Bigfoot?
Wife: I got a great deal on kid’s clothes
Me: Just so I’m clear, Bigfoot is still out there?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
“Make it look like I live in a Cheesecake Factory.” – NBA players to their interior designers
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.