Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium

Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party

They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.