The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
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If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
beware of dog
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
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As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.