The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
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do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Wait a second…
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.