(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
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Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.