My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
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road rage
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.