The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
You Might Also Like
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”