oh, so now star wars is the best thing you’ve ever seen, is it?
so you’ve forgotten about the time we saw a snake wearing a hat?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
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Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Me: he’s cute, how old is he?
Guy: 25 months
Me: first kid?
Guy: yeah, how’d you know?
Me: because you didn’t say “he’s 2”
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.