@seamussaid

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

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@KeetPotato

oh, so now star wars is the best thing you’ve ever seen, is it?
“yes, and?”
so you’ve forgotten about the time we saw a snake wearing a hat?

@flashember

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

@TheHyyyype

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

@jessokfine

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

@DadZZZasleep

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

@MunkMania

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: he’s cute, how old is he?

Guy: 25 months

Me: first kid?

Guy: yeah, how’d you know?

Me: because you didn’t say “he’s 2”

@jjax44

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

@kelkulus

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.