the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Please do it!
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.