The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
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Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
The human personality is made of five key elements
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.