I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
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I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Oh yeh? Explain this then
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
🔦🌙👣
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Most fashion shows these days…
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.