The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

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Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.


her: baby shower sunday, can you make it?

me: Iโ€™ll try


Home Depot guy: this is the smallest tile we have buddy


To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”


Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.


*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles


Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War


In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.


doctor: god youโ€™re unhealthy

me: we havenโ€™t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta