Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
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her: baby shower sunday, can you make it?
me: I’ll try
Home Depot guy: this is the smallest tile we have buddy
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta