the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
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14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
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Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
socratic questions
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.