The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
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imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*