The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
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People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.