The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

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My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.


Obama just said that no one is listening to our phones..I wonder if he realizes that the LAST thing we do with our phones is make a call!


If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?


“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]


I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him


next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom


My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.


I think the hardest part about being a cashier is telling the girl buying 3 pregnancy tests to “Have a nice day”


If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified