The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
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I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Given the memory span of a goldfish…