@TwinSurvivalist

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

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@simoncholland

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

@stonedcoldlazy

Obama just said that no one is listening to our phones..I wonder if he realizes that the LAST thing we do with our phones is make a call!

@caliluvgirl77

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

@KeetPotato

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

@audipenny

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

@wolfpupy

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

@Mardigroan

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

@AntiSemanticShw

I think the hardest part about being a cashier is telling the girl buying 3 pregnancy tests to “Have a nice day”

@ilovepie84

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified