I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
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Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.