The twins tried to have a staring contest last night. My daughter blinked immediately and said to her brother “I just can’t look at your face anymore” and it was a whole mood.

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Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading “Hungry Hungry Hobo”. I shouldn’t laugh right?


I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture


cop [on phone]: we need help identifying the body

wife: what were his last words

cop: he said.. that he loved you a lot

wife: but how did he say it exactly

cop: tell [borat voice] my w-

wife: it’s him


Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.


I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.


You are not truly drunk until you have a jar of peanut butter in your hand and your looking for the dog


My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned


Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.


The earth revolves around the sun. So, I guess if you want me to revolve around you, you’re gonna have to set yourself on fire.


Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*