Mother’s may get a day, but shark’s get a whole week!
Mom sharks get 1 week AND a day.
…don’t even get me started on black shark moms.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
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At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don’t even star my tweets.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
*pretending to talk on my phone so I don’t look like a loser standing by myself*
-Haha yea dude last night was craz-
*phone starts ringing*
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir
*my voice cuts in on radio*
Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.
He cooked 2 sausages.