[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
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Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
That’s incredible! 👌
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
My therapist after every session
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.