@carlyken

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

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@mantej

Mother’s may get a day, but shark’s get a whole week!

Mom sharks get 1 week AND a day.

…don’t even get me started on black shark moms.

@bourgeoisalien

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

@TweetPotato314

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

@myles_morrison

Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don’t even star my tweets.

@peeznuts

*pretending to talk on my phone so I don’t look like a loser standing by myself*

-Haha yea dude last night was craz-
*phone starts ringing*

@KeetPotato

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

@thepaulahunt

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

@Mr_Kapowski

GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir

*my voice cuts in on radio*

Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane

@AzureDoo

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.