WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
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Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.