Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
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After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.