@TheTweetOfGod

The two most popular gifts women receive on Valentine’s Day are a box of things that make her fat and a bouquet of things she can watch die.

The two most popular gifts women receive on Valentine’s Day are a box of things that make her fat and a bouquet of things she can watch die.

- @TheTweetOfGod

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@markhoppus

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

@GoldenSpirals

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

@tazsme

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

@Lilybrees

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

@Jandalize

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

@JoleenDoreen

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

@thedad

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

@Lmao

What I said: I forgot my book. What the teacher heard: I hate school, I hate you & I don’t want to make something out of my life.

@MummaCrazy

*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.

@Jayson_Two_time

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.