The two types of wives
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the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.