ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
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therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
relationship goals
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Seas the day!!!!
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Me too, bag. Me too….
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?