me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
the two year old I nanny just said “ahh loud raisins” as a response to me grinding the coffee beans soooo she’s already better at improv/comedy than literally half this town
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Decaf means something is very, very Dec.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
[At job interview]
M. “No, English is my second language.”
I. “What’s your first language then?”