The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
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me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
when revenge coincides with naptime
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by