“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
You Might Also Like
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Sunday
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.