me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
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I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits