I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
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Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Have kids, they said
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence