@bransonreese

The Ugly Duckling has the best moral: “everybody has to apologize to you if you get hot”

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@bobby

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

@TEXASVETERAN

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

@JamieGreenlees

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

@LOVELADONNIS

Woman on the plane just asked her crying son “are you gonna be a gangsta or a crybaby” I’m like damn are these the only options?

@daemonic3

I’m a:
?man
?woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
?skateboard
?carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
?shred
?fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

@aimeevc1970

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

@withanewname

Aquaman: Come on in the water is great.

Ironman: Sorry dude I have rust issues.

@Jason_Horton

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

@Faux_Ma

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.