The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
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My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
You got this…
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.