The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

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[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.


“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes


Kristen Stewart always looks like she just found out she was adopted.


I don’t care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn’t grab you is to use the run and jump method.


If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.


Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic


Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.


Friend: If Nicki Minaj, Ke$ha, Nickelback, and Creed all died in a plane crash who would you miss the most?
Me: the pilot


Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain