@AndrewNadeau0

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

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@Scottzilla667

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

@sexypitabread

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

@KKAlThani

Kristen Stewart always looks like she just found out she was adopted.

@BrattyBarbie

I don’t care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn’t grab you is to use the run and jump method.

@PinkCamoTO

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

@KingsnorthAP

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

@FabMommy29

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

@WeissBrandon

Friend: If Nicki Minaj, Ke$ha, Nickelback, and Creed all died in a plane crash who would you miss the most?
Me..
F…
M..
F..
Me: the pilot

@ieatanddrink

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain