Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
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guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.