The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
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My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
my professor scared me for a second
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Wedding planning is organized crime.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean