@junejuly12

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

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@ilikeyouguys

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

@Marlebean

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

@RickAaron

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

@bourgeoisalien

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

@thepaulahunt

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: Here, be careful. Lift with your knees

ME: My knees don’t have hands, how am I supposed to do that

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: I don’t understand how you have a doctorate

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

@BrotiGupta

If I ever seem smug or like I have a huge ego, it is typically because I have been regular for like 3 days

@a_simpl_man

Me: I hate it, but we’re going to have to cut payroll. I’ll tell the kids which ones were letting go.
The wife: